All of the emotions were flowing leading up to Benjamin's return to school. It would be his first time there since Christmas break had begun in mid-December. I was so happy to hear the excitement in his voice when he talked about returning to a place where he loves his friends as much as his teachers. I was anxious about him returning with a compromised immune system amidst a pandemic. I was relieved he finally had the blessing of his healthcare team to return to a part of his life that represents normalcy; it felt like a positive step forward. My heart swelled thinking of he and Ella being able to walk in to school together for the first time. I was sad that our days together, just the two of us, were once again coming to an end. I was excited to have a few hours a few days a week that would be just mine.
I didn't sleep much Sunday night and was wide awake long before the first stir of one of the kids or the sound of my alarm. Eventually I heard the creaky turn of Benjamin's door knob and then the swing of the door. His little footsteps pitter-pattered into our room and stopped beside my side of the bed. He leaned down until we were face to face and greeted me with a cheerful, "Good morning, Mama!".
As I got ready to head downstairs to start making breakfast, Benjamin announced that he was off to do the first of his morning chores: go to the bathroom, wash his hands, turn off his sound machine and put away his stuffies. As always, I was 'allowed' to be first to the landing of the staircase and then Benjamin took the lead the rest of the way down.
I asked him what he'd like to eat, though I was pretty sure I already knew the answer. Unsurprisingly he asked for Cheerios. I poured his cereal into a grown-up bowl, added the milk and handed him an adult spoon. "When did this happen?" I wondered as I cut up his fruit and got his morning dose of meds ready.
He chatted away about all of the things he was most looking forward to at school and wondered aloud if his friends would be as excited to see him as he was to see them. He decided aloud that they would probably pick him up and toss him in the air because they'd be so happy that he was back. I smiled to myself. To have such confidence.
David brought Ella downstairs just as we were headed back upstairs to get Benjamin ready. Wet and brush his hair (he gets crazy bedhead), brush his teeth, get dressed in the clothes we'd laid out the night before as I made his bed in time for him to help me arrange the throw pillows and the few special stuffies that stay out on display during the day.
Once Ella was up and dressed, I got both kiddos to sit, play, say "cheese", tickle each other, and "find the light" for a few quick photos before we left the house. It was a chilly morning and I didn't want to torture them with an outdoor shoot in their snowsuits.
Once it was clear they'd had enough (they know I'll keep them there as long as they'll let me), we headed back downstairs to get dressed for the walk. From the porch Benjamin called out to anyone passing by that his doctors had said he could go back to school and that today was his first day. We loaded up the double stroller and headed off on the fifteen minute walk to their school.
As we got closer, Benjamin grew increasingly quiet. I knew it meant that his excitement was taking a back seat, giving way to thoughts of nervousness and sadness that he'd miss us while we were apart. I reached out and held his hand to comfort him as David pushed the stroller.
When we arrived, Ella waited for her backpack to be strapped on and walked in without giving any of us a second glance. Benjamin lingered with us, delaying our separation. His teacher, who he adores, came out and crouched down to his level. We started talking about things that tend to get Benjamin excited to the point that he can't help but join the conversation. Before long he was chattering a mile-a-minute and took his teacher's hand as she lead him into the building.
Later that day we learned that Benjamin's teacher had taken him on a walk around the school to slowly get him re-acquainted. The tour included stopping outside Ella's classroom, where she was having a snack. I'm told that as soon she saw Benjamin at the window she started smiling, emphatically pointing and yelling, "BEN! BEN! BEN!". He has a lot of fans but none as enthusiastic as his little sister.
When I asked Benjamin when I picked him up just before lunch if his classmates had been as excited to see him as he'd thought he said that they had been. He recounted the day's events including the food, the books read, games played and work they did but the longest story was definitely around a conversation had about his new water bottle, a gift he'd received from my girlfriend that came from Disney World. I smiled to myself. A literal water cooler conversation amongst four year-olds. To haver been a fly on the wall...
The current plan is for Benjamin to attend school three days a week, Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays as Thursdays are chemo days at the hospital and Fridays are for rest and recovery. I slept much better Monday night knowing that his first day back had gone so well.
Tuesday was another really good one. So good in fact that he was supposed to be picked up right after lunch but asked if he could stay the full day. The school called me and started the conversation as they do with any call home, "This is not an emergency". That was followed by asking permission for Benjamin to stay until the end of the day and of course I gave it, thrilled that he had settled in so well and so quickly.
For the first time ever, I picked up both Benjamin and Ella together. Both had had great days and were noticeably wiped out from all the fun they'd had. The feeling of relief was HUGE.
Wednesday morning wasn't as smooth as the previous two. It was starting out to be "one of those days" for whatever reason. David had meetings starting at nine so I offered that he shower and get "work ready" while I got the kids fed, dressed, teeth and hair brushed and outdoor clothes on. David would then drive them to school as I was still in my PJs.
Ten minutes later my phone rang. The caller ID read "Sexy McHotpants", the name David had programmed into my phone along with his number when we first started dating. He told me that Ella had gone in fine but that Benjamin was inconsolable, repeating over and over that he was tired, he didn't feel well and that he wanted to come home. It was the first time that week that David and I hadn't done drop-off together and he didn't know what to do. With all that's being pumped into his little body and the work it's doing to fight his cancer we didn't want to push him too hard. He wound up bringing Benjamin home.
We set him up for a quiet time and after resting for a little he started bopping around the house, going from toy to toy, activity to activity. At this point David and I decided to talk to him. We asked him how he was feeling and we got a happy and enthusiastic, "Good!". We asked him if he was ready to go back to school and he told us he'd rather stay home with us. We explained that if he was ever feeling unwell that it was best for him to stay home but that if he was feeling today as though he preferred home over the idea of going to school that it wasn't really a choice. We reiterated to him that it had been a long time since he'd been in the routine of going to school and that it would take some getting used to. We reminded him of the things that he had excitedly shared with us after his first two days back. We then asked him if he was ready to try again and he reluctantly nodded that he was.
David called the school to ask if it would be ok if we brought him back and they welcomed the idea with open arms. This time both David and I went for the drop-off. Benjamin was shy and slow to go in, but he did. David and I hugged each other behind one of the large nearby hedges, out of Benjamin's sight. We waited for a few minutes, half expecting someone to come back out with him. When they didn't, we decided to walk around the corner to get a really good cup of coffee to go. We figured we'd earned it that morning.
For the rest of the day I anxiously waited for my phone to ring. It didn't. I showed up for pick-up bracing myself for what might be waiting for me. What I got were big smiles and equally big hugs from the two little people I love most in the world. Gratitude. Relief. The last thing in the world I want to do is push Benjamin too hard or to have him think we aren't validating his feelings. Not believing him if he's saying he's tired, feeling unwell, feeling pain. I want him to feel heard, understood, safe and loved. His little arms firmly wrapped around my neck, his full weight leaning into me, made me feel like everything would be ok, it would just take some time to adjust to yet another new normal.
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